Believe in You Read online

  Lauren

  You may not realize this, but your parents aren’t trying to ruin your life. They don’t hate you! They actually really want you to talk to them and hang out with them. Maybe they have a tendency to be controlling or don’t know how to connect, but the truth remains: most parents really care about you and want you to be close with them. They want you to have a good life. With that said, if you have a problem with them, you need to tell them. If they are making you feel guilty, ashamed, anxious, or upset, tell them! It is your responsibility to yourself to communicate your feelings to them and try to fix anything that’s weighing you down or messing with your health and well-being. (Of course if you’re actually experiencing abuse, please tell a trusted adult so you can get some help.)

  When you talk, avoid “you” statements, such as, “You are so rude!” or “You are ruining my life!” Make “I” statements, such as, “I feel really hurt when you . . .” or “I feel like you don’t care about . . .” Yelling, insulting, and attacking don’t work. This just puts them on the defensive and doesn’t help anything. Your goal should be to express yourself openly and respectfully and come to some sort of conclusion or compromise. You will never regret trying to fix your relationship with your parents, but you will always regret it if you never try.

  Dani

  You cannot and will not survive living under your parents’ roof if you aren’t honest with them. Tell them if you’re mad, if you think they are mistreating you, and also tell them that you appreciate them and love them. Your parents love you, and they want your life to be good. No matter what they say, nine out of ten parents probably do want you to succeed in life, believe it or not.

  Your parents are gonna find it really hard to treat you well if you don’t treat them well. They love you and they want to be close with you, so let them, ’cause they’re not gonna be here forever.

  Amy

  I know I spent many years being angry and huffing around and trying to get my parents to listen and see things my way. It can be kinda awkward when you are becoming an adult and you’re still under your parents’ roof. The most effective way to get your parents to listen and respect you is to try your best to objectively listen and respect them up front (which I know can be really, really hard). I’ve had to learn to listen to what my mom and dad have to say and then weigh it against my own sense of reason and my own experience.

  Lisa

  Let’s be real: parents aren’t always the easiest people to talk to. It can be tough to get your way, feel heard, or even speak at all sometimes. The best thing to do in tough situations is to prepare ahead of time when you have to talk something over with them. Get yourself in a relaxed state, plan what you wanna ask for, respect them the way you want them to respect you, and then accept whatever happens. In any relationship, communication is key. Talking things out when you’re upset, hurt, or need something is so important. I know it’s scary to say how you feel sometimes, but just remember that the best way to get over your fears is to face them. Also, remember that people can’t read your mind. If you need or want something, you have to say it clearly and let it be known. Don’t expect people to know what you want! It’s really hard to speak up, but the most rewarding things in life don’t come easily. Your parents love you and want you to be happy—so help them help you!

  And don’t forget: you can have fun with your parents too. My favorite ways to bond with my parents are going on walks together and going out for breakfast. I know what it’s like to feel like your parents don’t really know you because you keep so much inside, but I encourage you to start small today and have some lighthearted hangs with your parents one-on-one; maybe invite them to watch a movie with you or go grab coffee together and just talk about fun stuff. It’s the first step to building a friendship that can truly change your life!

  * * *

  Don’t forget: you can have fun with your parents too.

  * * *

  HOW TO HAVE FUN WITH YOUR FAMILY

  Sometimes the best kind of communication is just to have fun together. Every family is different, but when you grow up, the fun things you do with your family will become some of your most treasured memories. When you find out what kinds of things are fun to do together as a family, you can start building a stronger bond with your fam.

  Amy

  I know you might be wondering why spending time with your family is important, but when you get to know those who are closest to you on a deep level, it can be so fulfilling.

  The best things to do together are active things. Here are some ideas:

  •You can play some board games or card games. (Our family once spent seven hours playing the card game Hearts one Easter. And it was amazing!)

  •If your family likes sports, play your favorite sport with everyone.

  •Movie nights can be really fun. Our family loves to mix popcorn with M&M’s for movie nights.

  •Try doing fun, holiday-themed stuff during the holiday season. One of our favorite things to do is throw parties with a bunch of our friends for the different holidays. Because we’re all different ages, we have friends of every age group all together!

  It’s all about trying new things. Your family may not be receptive to every idea you have, but have courage and put yourself out there. Don’t be offended if it doesn’t work out the first time. Remember that it’s all about effort; putting in that effort will show that you care. You will find something that works, so give it a try!

  Lauren

  Here are some of my top family outing ideas:

  •Go bowling

  •Go ice skating

  •Go to dinner

  •Go get ice cream

  •Go on a walk or a bike ride

  •Go get coffee

  •Make dinner together

  •Go to the movies or a concert

  Dani

  Hanging out with your family can be super annoying because, like, friends exist, but it can also be really fun! All thirteen of us hang out together sometimes, and it gets lit.

  Game nights are a classic family tradition, so try getting your family together to play Monopoly, Apples to Apples, Bowl of Nouns, or any other games that you have.

  If you have younger siblings, take them on an adventure. Go on a hike, a walk, or a bike ride, or go swimming, run through the woods, or even make up a game. Spend time outside with little kids and you’ll feel really good after. Take advantage of the fact that you’re older, and lead them.

  If you have siblings who are old (over sixteen) and boring, come up with a plan to hang out somewhere, make them teach you how to drive (responsibly), get them to take you to the grocery store, or come up with a really random idea, and you’ll find that simple things can be really enjoyable.

  We like a game called Flashlight Tag that’s really fun to play outside at night.

  1.One person is “it,” and the rest of the people run and hide.

  2.“It” wanders around with a flashlight, looking for the other people.

  3.If the light shines on you, you’re out! Super fun and kinda scary. Recommended by 10/10.

  Get back in touch with your inner child, because the most fun things to do with your family are “childish” things.

  Christina

  The fun times you have with your family can be some of your very best memories. Instead of taking family time for granted, realize you won’t always be able to be together like this. Make a personal commitment to be positive, be in the moment, and try your best to truly cherish time together. I challenge you to have a family fun night at least once a week, even if it’s as simple as having each member cook a different dish for dinner or having all the kids cook for the parents.

  FAMILY FUTURE

  Wherever you are with your family, remember that things won’t always be this way! Time passes, and relationships change and evolve. Here’s what we’ve noticed about the way things have changed over time.

  Amy

  My relationship with my family has dra
stically changed since I was younger. I was a total people pleaser, with zero boundaries back then, and I placed my family above myself in importance. I would always sacrifice my personal needs for the good of the group, as if I could single-handedly keep the group together forever by making sure people were happy all the time and never hurt. I built up a ton of resentment and anger. I didn’t realize how never voicing my physical needs and putting myself last hurt me. It made me feel unheard and unseen by the ones I loved most, but I didn’t understand at the time that nobody can hear you if you don’t speak up. No one made me give up my sense of self; I willingly surrendered it. As I have grown up, I have learned that I can ask for the things I need, that my family really is happy to lift me up and support me when they can, and that I am not responsible for everyone else’s health and wellbeing. That has changed everything for me. I feel more connected and seen now than ever before, and I wouldn’t trade my family for anything.

  * * *

  Instead of taking family time for granted, realize you won’t always be able to be together like this.

  * * *

  Christina

  As I’ve gotten older, I have gained a new perspective on family and my relationship with my parents. When you’re a teenager, you have different focuses than you will when you’re an adult. It can be hard to understand things that you haven’t been through yet but your parents have, and that can cause your ideas to clash.

  I remember at fifteen being annoyed and confused sometimes by my parents’ decisions and not always being able to see when they had my best interests at heart. Now looking back, I can see they were doing the best they could with the information they had at the time. I am much more able to give them the benefit of the doubt now—but as a teen, it was hard to see things from their point of view. If that’s you, realize that you won’t always understand why they say, do, or want certain things. If you’re frustrated and confused, try calmly asking them why. Ask for more information. Hear them out with an open heart. This could lead to more connection, a closer relationship, and maybe even some understanding.

  * * *

  I wouldn’t trade my family for anything.

  * * *

  Lisa

  I’ve become so much closer with my mom as I’ve gotten older, mainly after I moved out. Once I had the freedom to make my own choices, I felt like my own person and could stop resenting her for our past troubles. Now I love hanging out with her and just talking and laughing. It’s hard to think back on my younger years and remember all the things I never told her I was going through because I was so terrified of telling people how I felt or what was going on inside my head. But I know the future’s ahead of us, and I’m very grateful that I still get to spend time with her and grow closer to her now.

  Wherever you are in your family right now, you’ve got the future ahead of you too. You can take a lot of small steps to help you start working out the negatives and strengthening the positives. And small things done consistently can have a huge impact over time. Who knows? Maybe focusing on some good communication, problem-solving, or family bonding will have a major payoff down the line, when you’re able to enjoy strength and support from your family ties.

  JOURNAL

  •Have you ever felt isolated within your family? How can opening up about your feelings help you be less isolated in your family?

  •Think about each individual member of your family. What are their personalities like? If you were to start practicing seeing the best in them and reaching out to them, what would that look like?

  •Have any unhelpful communication patterns been the norm in your family? How can you spot each pattern and try a different one?

  PRAY

  God, thank You for the gift of family. I pray for each member of my family, for their health, safety, and healing. I pray for all of my family relationships and ask You to guide us to be as close and healthy as possible. Please help me enjoy and get to know these people while I can, and show us how to make each other’s lives better through acceptance and love.

  CHAPTER 6

  MONEY

  WHEN EACH OF US BECAME teenagers, our parents stopped buying anything extra for us beyond food and clothes. If we wanted to buy something, we babysat, walked dogs, filed documents, did chores, or did pretty much anything we could to get some extra cash. They also purposely bought us smaller, less extravagant gifts for our birthdays and holidays. If we wanted something big, like a digital camera or an iPod, we had to work for months to save up for it.

  Although at the time it didn’t make sense to us, looking back we all deeply appreciate this practice because it taught us the value of hard work. Both of our parents, while total opposite personalities, are incredibly smart and hardworking. Our mom achieved a lot as an All-American swimmer, then earned her master’s degree in music, and then homeschooled all eleven of us. Our dad worked insane hours growing his construction business and mastering his craft in order to provide for all of us. Because of his hard work, we were able to try any sport we wanted and participate in musical theater and many enriching activities growing up that profoundly shaped our character.

  Their amazing example of hard work deeply affected us, and we made the important connection between hard work and money. While some of us are more experienced with money than others, we learned a few things from becoming entrepreneurs and businesswomen at a young age. In this chapter, we’ll share some basic tips for growing a healthy relationship with money.

  THE EMOTIONS BEHIND MONEY

  What profit is there for one to gain the whole world and forfeit his life?

  MARK 8:36

  Katherine

  We rarely talk about the emotional component to money, but it’s such an important thing to know about ourselves. We all have a different emotional reaction to money since it plays an essential role in our survival and well-being. Most of our view of money is formed in our homes. If you grew up in a family where your parents were constantly stressed about making ends meet or fighting about money, you might have a very negative association with it, and understandably so. Or if you grew up in a wealthy family that strongly associated self-worth with how much money a person has, you would also have a negative view of money, just in a totally different way.

  Money can be like a drug. When you see something you like, a lot of times it feels like you need in NOW; spending is a “high” in itself. I think one of the most important aspects of money is being self-aware about our habits and really examining ourselves as we are going about our day and making purchases. Are we spending just to numb pain? Are we spending because we think we can buy happiness or freedom? Is this purchase something we need, or just something we bought to distract from our problems? How do we figure out our own emotional motivations around money?

  When I think of money, I think of plane tickets to visit friends in different states. I think of buying my friends nice birthday gifts that make them smile. I also think part of it—especially because of how media and advertising manipulate women—is about power. I think women commonly get the message that their power lies solely in how they look. This in turn causes us to spend thousands of dollars on skin and hair care products, new outfits, haircuts and treatments, makeup, perfume, basically anything to look and feel beautiful and valued. When I think of having to wear the same old clothes that maybe aren’t as trendy anymore, or not being able to buy a new makeup product I think would look good on me, I feel insecure. That sounds silly to admit, but it’s true.

  * * *

  Money can be like a drug. . . . spending is a “high” in itself.

  * * *

  On the flip side, there are some very necessary purchases we have to make that also have an incredibly emotional component to them. I bought my first car four years ago, and that was one of the proudest moments of my life, knowing I had worked hard to save the money. Same thing goes for my first house—purchasing that gave me a huge rush of pride! Our attitude toward money just has to be balanced; as long as we are
aware of our emotions, we can make good money decisions.

  Lauren

  It’s true that sometimes we buy things we don’t need because we are actually really sad and we wanna feel better. For me, I can go a little crazy at clothing stores and buy a bunch of new clothes, which is exciting and feels good for a little bit, but that kind of excitement doesn’t last. Another thing I do is buy a bunch of comfort food and try to feel better that way. Ultimately, however, nothing you buy is going to change how you feel. You have to just deal with what you are going through.

  When I was living with my parents as a teenager, I spent so much money on food that I didn’t need to buy. My parents fed us, but I thought it was more fun to buy myself treats and meals while we were living in Malibu. So, I would go out all the time for ice cream, sushi, or the gourmet grocery store hot bar (which is basically a million dollars for one crumb). I wish I had known how much a mortgage would cost once I moved out and prepared myself for that more by saving up all that money I spent on random snacks! Yes, it’s fun to treat yourself once in a while. But especially when you’re living at home and not having to pay bills, it will make your life soooo much easier if you’ll save that money for when you’ll need it in a few years instead of making yourself feel good emotionally right now.