Believe in You Read online

  I think the best way to enjoy being single is to truly get to know yourself. What are your likes and dislikes? What was something that happened to you that really affected you? What are you secretly hoping for? What makes you smile, no matter how bad your day has been?

  Finding out who you are will help you be comfortable with yourself. Being comfortable with yourself helps you fall in love with yourself. And loving who you are is the best way to go about life, whether you’re dating someone or not.

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  Loving who you are is the best way to go about life, whether you’re dating someone or not.

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  So I say, go on a great adventure of self-discovery. Read great books. Listen to hundreds of songs, and develop your unique music taste. Go on walks in nature, and think deep thoughts. Love your family and friends with the best of your heart. Try new things. Volunteer. Grow and grow and never stop growing. You’ve got so much to give.

  Amy

  I never enjoyed being single . . . until recently. Truly miraculous! I have had a total shift in my mind-set; I once thought a relationship would define and fulfill me. But I realized I am not ever going to find fulfillment in another person, and being single isn’t a curse I need to break. It is a beautiful time of exploration and learning about yourself on your own. I am really loving that aspect of the single season of my life now.

  Being single is a lot of things. It’s fun, it’s depressing, it’s adventurous, it’s empowering, and it can get lonely, especially when you are watching romantic comedies. Being single is the time to spread your wings. Find yourself. People sometimes act like you can just purchase a relationship on Amazon. Two-day delivery, and you are set, like it’s something you have any control over. But the more you try to control these things, the more it backfires. This is the time for you to open your heart and figure out what you truly want out of life, and that doesn’t have to involve a relationship.

  Lisa

  From my experience, loneliness doesn’t come from being single; it comes from isolating yourself.

  Isolation kills! Don’t let it take your life! Make your life a happy place right now. Don’t wait for a boy; don’t wait for college; don’t wait for five years from now, when it’s all figured out (which it never will be). Just start now to make life as enjoyable and meaningful as you can.

  Also, let me say that I was approached by the best guy I’ve ever met at a time in my life when I was genuinely so grateful to be alive, so connected to my family, and for the first time not even thinking about meeting anyone in that way. Good things come when we least expect them. So stop expecting them so hard, and start having fun with what you already have! Believe in yourself first, love and respect yourself first, and you’ll be in a good place no matter what happens.

  JOURNAL

  •What do you think are the most important qualities to look for in a person to date? What red flags have you encountered?

  •Do you think you have any expectations about dating that may not be based in reality? What are they?

  •What are some mind-sets regarding dating, guys, and singleness that you want to leave behind? What are some you want to cultivate?

  PRAY

  Lord, please protect my heart and give me grace and perspective as I get to know the boys in my life. Show me how to grow in strength and wisdom in all my relationships—with myself and with the guys You put in my path.

  CHAPTER 5

  FAMILY

  SOMETHING A LOT OF PEOPLE don’t know about us is that it’s not just us six sisters—we also have five brothers. Growing up homeschooled in a family of eleven kids, we faced a lot of challenges in learning to understand, appreciate, and respect one another and our parents. Because all of us have such different personalities, we needed to develop communication skills and grace for the messiness of our big family. So we went about figuring out how to do it.

  The “older generation” of us sisters is incredibly passionate about psychology. For years we would spend hours reading psych books on how to build healthy relationships. We are by no means experts, but we did notice a lot of improvement and change in our family when we started applying some of the principles we’d learned from books—principles about opening up and communication.

  At first it felt kind of radical and crazy. As kids, we kept our problems quiet and tried to deal with our heartbreak, failures, and mistakes on our own. This did not work. We bottled up our emotions, and many of us felt isolated, even in a big family like ours. Then one day Christina (naturally, the oldest sister) spoke up and shared her feelings for the first time. What followed was a series of lengthy family talks. Raw honesty, tears, and the release of pent-up emotions felt groundbreaking.

  Today our family is so much closer and shares a much stronger, more loving bond. The eleven of us siblings are like a fierce tribe. If someone hurts one of us—you’d better watch out! We are far from perfect. Deep issues come up on a regular basis. But the difference is that now we talk about what we are going through. We rally together to support whoever is struggling. The result is imperfect but filled with love.

  In this chapter we want to share what we’ve learned about communicating better with your parents and siblings and how to get closer to your family, as well as ideas for fun activities to do with them. We hope it will inspire you to find moments for family bonding and build stronger relationships with your siblings and parents.

  * * *

  The eleven of us siblings are like a fierce tribe. If someone hurts one of us—you’d better watch out!

  * * *

  HOW TO GET CLOSER TO YOUR FAMILY

  Our family gives us our first view of the world—they’re the first people we learn to interact with. They give us our expectations for what love and life will be like. Unfortunately, a lot of us are not as close with our families as we would like to be. It can be hard to open up to our siblings and parents. We think they may make fun of us or that they won’t understand. Maybe you told your brother something personal or vulnerable and he made fun of you. Maybe you told your mom something and she brushed it off, or she just didn’t understand where you were coming from. Or maybe you and your family members have so much going on that you’ve forgotten how to be friends in addition to family members. When things like that happen, we often close ourselves off to avoid getting hurt. If you feel closed off from your family, for this reason or any other, we encourage you to start to open up again. Here are our tips on how to start building your relationship with your family.

  Amy

  Start small. Ask your brother how he is doing, and really mean it. Maybe tell your mom about something that happened at school or in your life this week. Try it with the little stuff first, and work up to the bigger stuff. If family members have hurt you or blown you off in the past, they probably didn’t mean to. It’s good to tell them if something they said hurt your feelings so they have a chance to explain. Even if they did mean what they said and it was hurtful, at least you have had an honest conversation about it. You might even ask them to apologize if you can tell them in a calm way what they did that hurt you. But even if they don’t, try to forgive. Forgiveness is essential in a relationship if you want to be close with someone. Let them into your life, and ask them about theirs. Ask them to hang out or maybe watch a movie with you—simple things that let them know they matter to you. It can be scary to take the initiative; you might be scared of being rejected, but even if they can’t hang out that day, you will feel great knowing you put in the effort.

  * * *

  Forgiveness is essential in a relationship if you want to be close with someone.

  * * *

  Lauren

  Maybe you think your siblings or parents are really annoying and dumb—and maybe sometimes they are—but the truth is, they are the people who stay with you forever, through everything, no matter what. If you lose everything or something really bad happens to you, friends are not necessarily going to stick around. But your family will. An
d if you spend your life ignoring them or being rude to them, you will most definitely regret it! If you want to get closer with your family and you don’t know how, the main thing to do is talk to them more. Ask them how their day went; ask them how they’re feeling; ask them about something they are really interested in; or suggest doing something with the whole family or with just one family member (more ideas on that later).

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  You’ll never regret trying to work on your relationship with your family.

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  Even if they are rude or reject you for that, know that they still appreciate you reaching out. It can take time. Ultimately, you can’t force anyone to be close with you, but as long as you put in the effort and let your family know you’re there for them and that you care about them, that’s all that matters. You’ll never regret trying to work on your relationship with your family.

  Dani

  Here’s what you have to know about being close with your siblings: most likely your brothers or sisters want to be close with you. We are humans, and we need connection. Your siblings might be mean and act like they don’t want to talk to you, but chances are, if you take an interest in their lives, they will let you come closer to them little by little, and your relationship will grow.

  How to begin? Try going into their rooms more to talk, or ask them to hang out one night, or just start telling them about your life. Things will grow from there. If you and your siblings aren’t close, remember that it’s just like a friendship—you can’t just dive right into your deep insecurities the first time you really talk, because the trust isn’t there. Give it time.

  Katherine

  I am a highly sensitive person, and it took me a very long time to realize something very important about my siblings: when they are in bad moods, most of the time it has nothing to do with me! I used to get stressed and frustrated when one of them started being moody and immediately I would think, What did I do wrong? I always thought it was my fault.

  I share this to illustrate something very important I’ve learned: everyone has a unique personality, and everyone processes things differently. One of the greatest things about having siblings is learning how to handle different personalities.

  I encourage you to look for the best in your family members. I know it’s easier to see the worst, especially when you’re in close quarters with them and they get on your nerves. But everyone has a lot of beauty and goodness in them, and if you open yourself up, you might find yourself appreciating your family more than ever.

  BUILDING COMMUNICATION

  Once you’ve opened the door to becoming closer with your family, you’ll find you need to communicate. But because old habits die hard, we as humans tend to stick to unhealthy communication habits with family. A lot of times we don’t think before we speak to our family members because we’re so comfortable. But the power of words will surprise you. Changing the way you talk to your family can seriously change the course of your family’s life.

  Pleasing words are a honeycomb, sweet to the taste and invigorating to the bones.

  PROVERBS 16:24

  Death and life are in the power of the tongue; those who choose one shall eat its fruit.

  PROVERBS 18:21

  Lauren

  A big problem with family communication is the lack of it. For instance, you are mad at your sister ’cause she did something irritating, but instead of saying, “Hey, look. I’m mad at you,” you say something rude or make fun of her when you get a chance. This is called being passive-aggressive. This is the poison that kills relationships every day. Start being honest instead of being passive-aggressive. Tell your siblings and parents when they hurt your feelings, and stop hurting them back on purpose, even if you’re mad at them. It doesn’t help anything to be rude; it honestly just makes your life worse. You have to live with these people and see them every day; why would you make your living quarters a tense and angry place? Be nice; be kind, even when you’re mad. Let it go, and be the bigger person—it will only make your life better and easier.

  Amy

  Do not give your family the silent treatment. It strains your relationships, and there is this underlying tension all the time if you are being passive-aggressive. You have to be firm in your boundaries and express them in healthy ways. You gotta let out your frustration and anger and hurt. Journaling and writing letters help you sort out your feelings before you speak to your family and bring up what is bothering you. I have used this a lot to figure out exactly how I am feeling. I have a tendency to freeze people out or blow up at them when I get upset. I know I have to work on these things, so I have been making my way back to the middle and expressing myself calmly and in healthy ways.

  Lisa

  Here are a few examples of unhelpful ways to say things:

  •“That harmony you sang sounded like a blaring train horn.”

  •“You’re acting like a psycho!”

  •“Maybe if you weren’t so disorganized, you could actually get something done.”

  And here are some helpful ways to say the same things:

  •“Sing your harmony more softly so it complements the rest of the group.”

  •“It’s hard to discuss things when you’re upset. maybe we should take ten minutes to cool down and then talk about this calmly.”

  •“Have you tried making a scheduled to-do list and writing down how long each task takes?”

  Thinking about helpful versus unhelpful communication has really helped me this year!

  Dani

  With family, sometimes you think that because you’re so close with them (emotionally or even just physically, living in the same house), you can say anything and it won’t matter. Believe it or not, your siblings and/or parents have feelings too. It probably sounds ridiculous for me to say that, but it’s something a lot of us forget. So sometimes we find ourselves in situations where we’re having an issue with a family member and we explode—yelling or calling names or being overly aggressive because we want to tell someone our exact thoughts and express how upset we are—but that honestly just makes things worse. You end up hurting feelings and unintentionally triggering people into defense mode. If you have an issue with a family member, plan what you’re going to say. Even if you’re emotional in the moment, get out of the situation and write about it. Write down how your family member makes you feel, what you want him or her to do instead, and how you could improve the relationship. Then have an honest conversation where you express your feelings and try to fix the issue.

  * * *

  Believe it or not, your siblings and/or parents have feelings too!

  * * *

  How good and how pleasant it is, when brothers dwell together as one!

  PSALM 133:1

  Lauren

  Something that’s really important in family relationships is learning how to support and show up for your family. Everyone feels love and shows love in different ways. Once, I wrote a list of the ways I feel supported and shared it with my sisters. Things like asking me if I need help with anything and then doing something for me, such as vacuuming my car or helping me organize my closet or helping me clean my room. Then all my sisters wrote lists of what makes them feel supported, and we all read them to each other. We realized that the way you show love to someone is not always going to get that across to them, because the way they feel loved is completely different from the way you feel loved. So if you want to feel closer to your family members, try asking them what actually means the most to them!

  HOW TO COMMUNICATE WITH YOUR PARENTS

  Communicating with parents can be extra tricky because of the authority they have over us and the massive influence they have on our lives. In the teenage years, we start to see that our parents are just human beings like us, and that means—like us—they are not perfect. Communicating with our parents with compassion, understanding, and a level head can seem completely unrealistic at times, but we promise—it’s possible, with a little bit of work
.

  Katherine

  Growing up, it was hard for me to communicate with my mom because I felt like she didn’t value what I valued. I am a very social person, and I always wanted to be with my friends whenever possible. When I was a teen, my mom and I would argue a lot because it seemed like she was against me seeing my friends. I would ask to go to one of their houses, and she would ask, “Why?” The thing is, my mom is an introvert, so to want to see my friends pretty much at every free moment was a foreign concept to her.

  When I got older, I started to realize that she had good intentions. She wanted me to learn my limits and be balanced. When I got my car and moved out, I got in a bad habit of overscheduling myself to the point of exhaustion and even getting sick a lot! I realized that although my mom seemed crazy to me when I was younger, she had some wisdom to share about balancing my schedule, and now I appreciate that.

  * * *

  I encourage you to give your parents a break, because even though they are probably a bit unreasonable at times, they really love you and want what’s best for you.

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  I encourage you to give your parents a break, because even though they are probably a bit unreasonable at times, they really love you and want what’s best for you. You have to be your own person and live your life, but also try to listen to what they have to say. They have lived on this earth a lot longer than you have, so their opinion is worth hearing!