Believe in You Read online

  Amy

  Are you in a friend rut? We get in ruts when we stop growing and when we stop pushing ourselves to grow. We stop trying new things and discovering fresh aspects of ourselves. This has happened to me so many times. When we get too comfortable where we are, we become hyperaware of how we have stopped. We cease to continue our journey in a meaningful way.

  The only way to get out of a rut is to try new things! Start growing again. Force yourself out of the passive state, and make some contact with other humans! Real friendships can start when we engage with life.

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  Real friendships can start when we engage with life.

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  If you need to get out of a rut:

  •try a new extracurricular activity at school

  •volunteer somewhere new

  •read a new book

  •look up something you’ve never learned about before

  •learn a new hobby

  These are the things that make us into who we are! Follow your passions—and if you don’t know what you are passionate about, go find it. Take chances. Make mistakes. Most important, have fun! Put yourself out there, and see how much happier and more adventurous your life gets.

  Lauren

  As Shia LaBeouf says, JUST DO IT!!1 Stop overthinking everything, and stop thinking everyone hates you, because I guarantee you, they don’t. You have so much to offer this world and so much to offer a friend, so be confident.

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  If someone doesn’t like you, it’s okay. Not everyone has to like you, and not everyone will.

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  But know this: if someone doesn’t like you, it’s okay. Not everyone has to like you, and not everyone will. But when you show your real self to people, your meant-to-be friends will LOVE you. They can’t love the shell of you—only your real self. So say what you’re thinking. Say what you’re feeling. Talk about things that have hurt you and things you dream of doing in the future. Don’t hold back because you think people will think you’re weird (most likely they have felt the same thing at least once in their life and will relate to you on some level). Be your real self—you will never regret it!

  PUT YOURSELF OUT THERE

  Dani

  If someone came up to me and asked, “Dani, how do I make friends?” the first and most important thing I would say is this: “You! Cannot! Make! Friends! Sitting! On! Your! Couch!”

  If you have been hiding in your bedroom for the past two months, and one day you woke up from your Netflix marathon thinking, Why don’t I have any friends? I can guarantee you the reason is that you can’t make friends alone in your bedroom. I cannot stress enough that if you want to make friends, you need to leave your house! This is a lot easier if you attend any sort of school, because you have the opportunity to make new friends every single day of the school year. We were homeschooled, so we learned that to make friends you need to put yourself out there, and you might have to get creative.

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  If you want to make friends, you need to leave your house!

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  Here are some ideas:

  •If you’re religious, go to the youth group at your church. I have met some of my best friends this way; people at youth groups are almost always inviting.

  •If you already have one or two good friends but want to meet more, ask them to introduce you to their friends. Mutual friends are a really good way to meet new people, and since you all know each other, you eventually form a squad.

  •Find a small group of friendly looking people (or just one person) at lunch at school, and sit next to them. This is mildly terrifying because you have no idea if they’re going to punch you in the face or be nice to you, but it’s worth it.

  •If you moved recently, convince your parent(s) to host a block party! Pro tip: ride around the neighborhood on your bike and leave invitations at the houses that have multiple cars, minivans, graduation signs on the front yard, or basketball hoops. Those are all signs of houses that have a teenager or young person living there. Another pro tip: host your block party on a Sunday night. It’s more likely that people will be free that night.

  Amy

  One of the best pieces of friendship advice I’ve gotten is to figure out what kind of person you want to be friends with, then think of the things they would do, and do those things. Clubs and organizations are great for this. If you want to be friends with people who love music, join the band or choir. If you want to befriend sporty people, join a sports team. If you want to befriend scuba divers, join a scuba diver club!

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  Most people are shy, but they actually want people to talk to them. So next time you see someone you wanna talk to, just say hi!

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  Remember that most people are shy, but they actually want people to talk to them. So next time you see someone you wanna talk to, just say hi! They will probably appreciate it. Making friends is all about courage. So feel the fear and get in there!

  Lisa

  Say yes to life! Say yes! I used to be the worst hermit. I know all about that feeling of scarcity, like you’ll never meet anyone you enjoy hanging out with, and you’re gonna be alone forever. It’s not real. Let go of the fear. You must first accept in your mind that you want friends and that you will do what it takes to find them. An open mind attracts opportunities! Get out of your house. Even if it’s just your parents asking if you want to go to the grocery store, say yes. Go! Just talking to more people and having regular conversations with all different types of humans will make you feel less isolated and more connected, which will attract more friendship into your life. You never know who has a daughter or a nephew or a friend or a cousin you’d get along with. Every day is full of opportunity!

  HOW TO KEEP FRIENDS

  Congrats—you found someone you want to be friends with! Now how do you be a friend? How do you build that relationship and keep it strong?

  Katherine

  DON’T JUST TALK; LISTEN

  One of the most healing parts of friendship is having a safe, loving place where you can open up and express yourself. Sometimes just telling a true friend about your problems can make those problems feel so much lighter! But this is a two-way street. If you are going to share a story, make sure you tell your friend how much you appreciate him or her listening, and then ask what’s going on in their life. It feels so good to be asked. Even if your friend doesn’t feel ready to open up, just being asked, “How are you really?” and knowing the person truly cares to know is such a comforting experience.

  SEE THE BEST IN THEM

  It’s important to give your friends the benefit of the doubt and assume the best of them. If you have a naturally critical personality, and you constantly criticize your friends, they’re probably going to start feeling hurt and defensive. Do your best to see the best in them and point it out. Give them genuine compliments, and speak up when you see something beautiful or good in them. Examples: “I was so impressed by the speech you gave in class today. You did such a good job!” “I’m really proud of you and all of your hard work. You’re so talented.” “You have the best personality, and you always make me laugh!” Be honest and generous, and express gratitude—your words can be a gift they remember for a long time.

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  It’s important to give your friends the benefit of the doubt and assume the best of them.

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  SET YOUR BOUNDARIES

  Through a few hard friendship experiences, I learned a lot about boundaries. For an in-depth explanation of boundaries, I recommend reading the book Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.2 Basically, keep your friendship healthy by respecting each other’s yes and no. Don’t guilt-trip or manipulate your friend when he or she doesn’t do what you want. Controlling someone is not loving.

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  To find a true friend, be a true friend!

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  A true friendship is a loving, safe place where you can open up and
be yourself; you feel loved, supported, and heard. To find a true friend, be a true friend!

  Iron is sharpened by iron; one person sharpens another.

  PROVERBS 27:17

  Dani

  All you can do to keep friends is treat them well. You can’t force someone to be friends with you. If your friend is pushing you away, take a step back and look at how you’ve been treating him or her. If you think you have been respectful, honest, compassionate, and a good friend, maybe it’s an issue on their end. It could be time to give that person space or let them go. If you haven’t been doing your best to treat your friend well, maybe you need a little life adjustment. Sometimes the smallest examination of your behavior can help you realize that you just haven’t been putting in enough effort. Being a good friend isn’t too hard if you just treat friends how you want to be treated.

  RESOLVING CONFLICT WITH YOUR FRIENDS

  Dani

  If you get in a fight with a friend, what do you do? Avoiding the person or pretending you’re fine doesn’t solve anything. You can be brave and approach conflict in a healthy way by remembering to calm down and be honest.

  Calm down. When emotions are running high, we can say things in inflammatory ways that make the situation worse and end up hurting people and causing more conflict. I calm myself down by going on a walk, taking a bath, or having some kind of relaxing alone time to bring myself back to a calm place physically, and then I work on calming myself mentally. I will call someone I trust, journal out a pro and con list, or write how I’m feeling and what happened, and then I try to get to the root of the problem. Why are you both really upset? It’s not about who is right and who is wrong. It’s about what needs to be addressed so you can reconnect.

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  It’s not your responsibility to run yourself into the ground trying to please your friend.

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  Be honest. If you can’t fully be honest, you can’t fully address the root of the problem. When you’ve gotten yourself to a calm and reasonable state of mind, and then had an open and honest heart-to-heart with your friend, you’ve given it your best shot at resolving the conflict.

  It’s not your responsibility to run yourself into the ground trying to please your friend; do the best you can to resolve the conflict honestly and calmly without compromising your boundaries or values just to please. If you have a true friendship that will stand the test of time, you’ll both work at making things better.

  A friend is a friend at all times, and a brother is born for the time of adversity.

  PROVERBS 17:17

  WHEN FRIENDSHIP GOES BAD

  If you find a friendship has taken a turn for the worse, there may still be a chance to save it—but you shouldn’t feel like you’ve failed if it doesn’t work out that way. Some friendships were meant to last only for a short period of time, and some are just plain not good for us. We’ve found there are some distinct signs of a toxic friendship. Being aware of them might save you some needless heartache.

  Amy

  Toxic friends can be very hard to spot. Sometimes it’s under the surface and the person is passive-aggressive, and you start to feel crazy because they aren’t doing anything outwardly to you, but you still feel upset around them, and it’s hard to pinpoint exactly why.

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  Friends can make an immeasurable difference in your life—you just wanna make sure that difference is positive!

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  How do you pinpoint a toxic friendship? Pay attention to your mind-set after you’ve spent time with the friend or when they text you. Pay attention to whether they talk about other people a lot and how they talk about them. If they are trashing others behind their backs, they are probably trashing you too.

  You have to both be there for each other. Make sure they are not only focusing on you and your problems as a way to distract from their problems. You both need to be putting in equal effort. You should both be building each other up and helping each other to be the best people you can be. Friends can make an immeasurable difference in your life—you just wanna make sure that difference is positive!

  Christina

  If we are not sure of what we want in a friend, we may unknowingly be caught up in a destructive cycle of constantly being drawn to toxic friends. This happened to me as a teenager.

  Although I did have some genuinely great friends, I was also attracted to friendships with a specific, unstable kind of person. You could call it a repeating pattern. I’d befriend the type of girl who would be super fun and an awesome friend in the beginning. Then, as time went on, she’d randomly stop talking to me out of nowhere—and I mean nowhere. One of them wouldn’t even text back and ended everything so suddenly that I was very, very confused.

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  If you are constantly seeking out friends with major problems who are hurting you, maybe it’s time to recognize that pattern and put an end to it!

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  Upon reflecting on all of this, I started to see what these girls had in common: they were all scared of commitment of any type—friendship was just another commitment to them. It wasn’t that anything went wrong in our friendship; they routinely “dropped” things and people in all aspects of life. I noticed these red flags and started to go forward with much more caution, looking out for bad signs before jumping into a new friendship.

  Most people can probably look at their past friendships and identity some kind of pattern they’ve been unknowingly following in the friends they’ve chosen. I’m not saying don’t be friends with anyone who has problems or who isn’t perfect; that would leave you with no one. But if you are constantly seeking out friends with major problems who are hurting you, maybe it’s time to recognize that pattern and put an end to it. After you hang out with someone, take note of how you feel, and be brutally honest with yourself. Are they draining you or refreshing you?

  Lauren

  Here are some ways to know if your friendship is toxic:

  •You always feel insecure around them.

  •You never feel good enough for them.

  •They literally insult you. (Even if it’s “just a joke,” it’s not okay.)

  •They physically hurt you in any way. (Again, even if it’s “just a joke,” it’s not okay.)

  •They talk bad about their other friends behind their backs to you. (As Amy said, this means they’re likely doing the same to you.)

  •They talk about only their life and their problems and don’t listen to you when you talk about yourself.

  •They have weird mood swings, and you never know when they’re gonna randomly be mad at you when you didn’t even do anything.

  •You feel like you can’t stand up to them or tell them how you feel because you know they will get mad.

  If any of these sound familiar, keep reading.

  HOW TO BREAK UP WITH A FRIEND

  You may be at the point where it’s time to stand up for yourself and stop putting all your time and energy into a bad situation. The breakup may be for a short time, or it may be for good. Either way, we want you to know that it is an option, and you can do it with kindness and compassion.

  Lauren

  I know it’s not really a common thing to “break up” with a friend, but sometimes it’s necessary. Some people will think you’re just being dramatic if you decide to end a friendship, but do not let that get to you. If a friendship is making your life worse or making you worse as a person, you need to let it go. It could be time to break it off if:

  •they aren’t treating you right

  •they are living a lifestyle that is bad for them and is bad for you and you don’t want to be around that anymore (for instance, they’re into drinking or drugs)

  If they are treating you badly, tell them about it. Tell them you’re not gonna put up with it, and give them a chance to change. Be honest and be nice, but stand firm, and don’t let them make you think you are wrong or crazy for asking them to change their behavior. Then give them some t
ime.

  If they don’t change their behavior in a reasonable amount of time, don’t feel bad about saying, “Look, I told you it’s not okay for you to treat me like that, and you continued to do it; so, sorry, but I have to respect myself and not be around people who treat me like that. Goodbye.”

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  No matter how or why you break up with a friend, never end it on a bad note.

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  If you’re in a situation where your friend is living a lifestyle you don’t want to be a part of, you’ve got a couple of options. You could either slowly and politely distance yourself from them, or you could talk to them. Be like, “Hey, this thing you’re doing really isn’t good for you, and I don’t want to be a part of it. I don’t think we can continue being friends if you’re gonna keep doing it, because I don’t want to get into it too.” If they don’t change, they’ve made their decision.

  No matter how or why you break up with a friend, never end it on a bad note. Take the high road. Don’t call them any names, don’t make them feel like they are a bad person, and let them know you still care about them, but this just isn’t right for you. You need to respect yourself and realize you deserve to be treated with nothing less than dignity and respect in return.